The Weekly Gamage: Spike VGAs 2005

In past years Spike’s Video Game Awards have been… oh let’s say less than good. The first whiff I caught was a blurb in GMR openly mocking their poor selection of winners. Over such choices as Call of Duty, Knights of the Old Republic, and Viewtiful Joe, Madden 2004 won game of the year!? Strike one! Next time around the number of questionable winners was cut, but the blatant pandering to the lowest common denominator remained as we watched Blood Rayne get “Vixen” of the year and hot girls read cheat codes. Strike two! Since the event was only days before the launch of CS10 I decided to do a meticulous log of Spike’s next, and hopefully final, swing. Here we go:

8:00- We start with a violence disclaimer and, knowing what spike shows with real violence I can only imagine what they’ll do with game characters.

8:01- First up is a Warriors spoof with our host, Samuel L. Jackson, as Cyrus and a bunch of game character cameos in the crowd, which is clever until the poor replacement voice acting rears it’s ugly head.

8:03- They weren’t kidding about that violence. We’ve seen an impalement, and a decapitation so far and we’re only three minutes in.

8:04- To end the scene they have Tak, the little guy who loves juju, shoot Cyrus, this does not bode well

8:06- The guest list is less than impressive, about half of the “stars” could be best described as “the guy from…”

8:08- Samuel L cuts his opening monologue mercifully short after describing his idea for a violent golf game. Yeah, it’s for the best.

On a side note, apparently “can you dig it” is making a comeback; this is the second awards show I’ve heard it in. Make a note and say it while you can.

8:09- Samuel L just referred to a game as VGA-winning, call me when that means something.

8:10- Here comes Vin, the bane of my existence since he was announced to star in the Hitman movie, how I loathe him.

8:12- Questionable winner #1 Charlize Theron wins best Best Performance by a Human Female for Aeon Flux despite the game coming out only days before the announcement of the winners.

This also doubles as questionable category #1 but I’m sure some of the more desperate viewers could use the distinction.

8:20- A couple of unremarkable awards and performances almost made me miss the lead singer from Good Charlotte being described as the football team’s “love toy”. How’d that make it past the censors…who am I kidding this is Spike TV, what censors?

8:23- Kiefer Sutherland comes out to give us the first look at 24 The Game, I think it looks pretty generic but my mom thought it looked promising. So what do I know?

8:31- It takes more than a half hour for an actual geek (David Jaffe) to make it onstage at a video game show. That should tell us something about the changing face of the community or something.

8:33- A guy uses a cat to protect his nuts when getting kicked by an NFL place kicker (yes, I’m serious)

8:34- Spike pays quick homage to its patron saint, Jean Claude Van Damme.

8:36- Camera man goes out of its way to get as much of Carmen Electra in a shot as possible

8:38- Jack Black in his underwear accepting an award and being a jerk, believe me this isn’t the last time.

8:42- The guy from all the Adam Sandler movies comes out with a more-than-a-little-confused looking Doris Roberts.

8:45- Dane Cook plays Pac-Man with his ass. I’d rather not talk about it.

8:52- David Silverman from Criterion is an early favorite for the crowd’s what the… award when he mentions Black and gets absolutely nothing.

8:53- Silverman yells “eye of the tiger” at the end of his speech and I actually have to explain it to my mom. Basically it comes down to “it’s a guy thing”

8:59- The second shot of Jack Black in his underwear, which is two too many

9:03- Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers kicks off his shoes, gives a shout out to Snoop Dogg, and then air-humps the mosh pit. I guess Snoop is providing the “refreshments” backstage.

9:09- 50 Cent wins best original song, because he’s in the front row and probably packing heat.

9:15- Awkward Snoop cutaway #5 this time during the Def Leopard performance. Apparently that was part of his contract to host last year.

9:23- Samuel L takes a cheap shot at the Governator and his violent games law, complete with footage from the Terminator. Highlight of the night so far.

9:31- Jack Black cuts off the cool French guy from Ubisoft to do his jerk act again, please make it stop.

9:32- According to the French guy Peter Jackson is a gamer, as if his appearance didn’t tip us off already.

9:33- Cool French guy gets the last laugh doing a King Kong impression and scooping up Maria Menounos. Definitely highlight of the night.

9:37- Is the fact that the Most Addictive Game award was ”fueled by Dew” supposed to tell us something about the properties of that product.

9:42- Winning Eleven 8 wraps up the What The… award as the crowd was absolutely silent when it was announced as a nominee for best team sports game.

9:45- perfect example of what I call blackouflage. The guy accepting for Madden is flanked by Spyder and Snoop and tries to jive up his acceptance speech.

9:50- Do you smell!!! Yes, the Rock is in the house to plug Spy Hunter 3, which has much more on foot action this time around.

9:53- I just realized that spike has been reusing crowd shots all night, I’ve seen the same screaming girls and guy with UFC t-shirt several times.

9:57- RE4 wins GOTY, which almost makes up for the rest of the show, but not really. Time to watch something intelligent.

Well, that’s the VGAs through my eyes. As an added bonus for the launch of CS10 I realized that like every good columnist, I’m going to have to establish some inside jokes to reward the loyal. Here are my 7 deadly sins of game design, which I will be referring back to, at random in all my future columns

1. Rushed bug testing
This one can really kill a game. Too often less established developers will be hounded by impatient publishers to get a game out on time. Since bug testing is usually the last part of development the developers don’t have the time to properly test and debug their game. This can lead to an unplayable game full of bugs or even one huge bug that ruins an otherwise good game. Like GT2s infamous 98% glitch.
Sinners: Legends of Wrestling: Showdown, Gran Turismo 2

2. Porn in Games
When a developer starts out with the sole purpose of getting gamers hot under the collar the results are usually disastrous. Too many assume that the ogle factor will distract from otherwise lazy design, and the result is embarrassing to both gamers and developers. These games are only used as masturbation aids for people who jerk it to old National Geographics and have never heard of the internet.
Sinners: Custer’s Revenge, BMX XXX

3. Poor Translation
This hilarious and confusing phenomenon of Japanese-made games is one that could be very easily avoided by having a native English speaker read over the text. While this Engrish is always good for a chuckle it is often damaging to the anime stories that the modern Japanophile desperately craves.
Sinners: Zero Wing

4. Bad Movies-Bad Games
Once a movie has been out for a little while it is pretty easy to determine whether it would or would not work as a game. If a movie is a failure the subsequent game cash-ins are sure to be too, yet some still plunge foreword with their doomed products to the expected results.
Sinners: Hudson Hawk, Last Action Hero, Catwoman

5. Overaggressive Marketing
People generally don’t like being told to grow some balls or that someone is going to make them their bitch. Gamers are the same and when these shock tactics are employed they tend to repel some and spark high expectations in others. Whether the product is good or not this method almost always leads to failure.
Sinners: Neo-Geo, Daikatana

6. Real Video
Trying to make games more like movies is admirable but game designers who try to insert real video into an otherwise virtual environment generally fail. Real people never look quite right in virtual environments, even when lacquered with a vibrant glow, and with so much budget going to actual development there is very little money left for decent actors, let alone good ones. Not even an EA sized budget could save Need For Speed: Most Wanted’s try at this one.
Sinners: NFS: Most Wanted, Night Trap

7. Bible Games
Ironic ain’t it? I don’t know what some developers think they now about the religiousness of gamers but gamer prayer pretty much begins and ends at OMFG. If gamers aren’t going to buy these bible games, and parents aren’t going to buy an expensive game system just to play religious games then what’s the point?
Sinners: The Bible Game, Super Noah’s Ark 3D

8. Delay To Dissapoint

Sinners: Kameo, Enter The Matrix

9. Online, Sort Of

Sinners: Chronicles Of Riddick, Armed & Dangerous

10. Pointless Politician Baiting

Sinners: 25 To Life, Manhunt

That’s the weekly gamage, come back next week when I grab the gaming news, wrestle it to the ground and make it my bitch.

By Zack Rovinsky