The Weekly Gamage: New Arrival

Welcoming a new console into your home is truly a magical experience; sifting through layers of unnecessary packaging to find something magical and awesome inside and savoring the moment until the illusion fades and your left with yet another expensive doodad that will do nothing but suck away more of your social life. Like I said, magical.

There’s a certain procedure to follow when setting up a system that differs only in the shape of the console and the number for tech support. Having recently adapted my dangerously creaky entertainment center to fit a sixth new bundle o’ joy I feel like I’m qualified to map this procedure out. Just like in detox, there’s a twelve-step program before you can offer an objective opinion on a new console.

1. Purchase
The first step to happiness in gaming as in life is to shell out big bucks for a device to supply said happiness. It may take a while to scrape together the dough from your meager earnings, but keep in mind, you’re 1/12 of the way there; actually 1/24, this is a two part step, once you get the money you have to find the console, one way or another (try not to do anything illegal as that may result in a setback).

2. Arrival
From the store to your house there’s never been a ride quite as long. You may even want to place the console awkwardly in the safety belt, and if people want to think you’re a dork let them, you’re just protecting your investment. Once that box enters your home it’s official, and if you get robbed on the porch? Tough beans.

3. Excavation
Now it’s time to wade through the unnecessary piles of plastic, cardboard and styrofoam to get to the actual console, which never takes up more than half of the package’s volume. As a bonus if you bought it online, there are foam peanuts for your cat to choke on.

4. Hugging
This is not only crucial to showing appreciation if someone else bought it for you, it also exercises all those feelings of wanting that you felt in the weeks/months/years since it’s unveiling. Now that you have gotten rid of those judgment-clouding feelings it’s time to move on.

5. Expedition
It’s time to grab your machete and hire a guide to carry your gear and curse at you in his native language. Behind the TV is an intimidating tangle of wires that can strike fear into even the steeliest of geeks. If you can find the right outlets to plug in the newcomer, you will be rewarded.

6. Sacrifice
If you have as many consoles as I do, when one comes in another must leave, there just aren’t enough A/V outlets. While some may merely ditch the oldest console I use a complex algorithm based on games I have for it and future viability. Sure, the oldest one goes every time but I like to have a system.

7. Pose
Now that the technical aspects are taken care of it’s time to contemplate style. You will have to look at the setup every day as you contemplate which game to play. You will never make a bigger decision, this is a matter beyond life or death, it’s a matter of Feng Shui.

8. Fiddling
Face it, you never get it right the first time, it’s time to find anything you may have done wrong, preferably without wussing out and calling tech support like I had to, there is no greater shame for us geeks.

9. Bliss
Sit back and enjoy that intro screen and your first glimpse of the system in action, chances are it won’t last long.

10. Tech Support
Inevitably no matter how you play or what you do something will go wrong, it’s Murphy’s Law. Now you must swallow your pride and make a call to the underpaid sadist who will put you on hold for long periods of time and walk you through the stupid mistake you swear you should have caught. Nobody said getting a new console would be all fun and games, except the ads, they lie.

11. Additional Purchase
You know that cool little accessory you considered purchasing but thought wasn’t necessary for playing the system? Turns out you do need it to correct a major design flaw in the system, now bend over and take is like the consumer whore you are. If your idealism hasn’t cracked already, this will do it.

12. Normalcy
Time to sink into your normal routine with the console with no need to worship/defend/play constantly anymore it’s time to write up your opinions in your weekly column what, you don’t have one? Well, you can always blog it, I’m sure your mom will care.

As a bonus for waiting the extra week, I’ll give you a bit of my opinion on the 360 in the form of 5 pros and 5 cons.

Pros:
1. Menu Access
This may seem like filler, but I just can’t resist being able to navigate a console like this. It always ticked me off when I had to restart my PS2 to browse the memory card.

2. Streamlined Controller Design
I really am amazed that after the Xbox’s Dreamcast-style slots they were able to craft accessories that fit the already nice controller design so well.

3. Next Geniness
You really can’t put a price on that wonderful feeling of being on the cutting edge. It gives me a fuzzy feeling inside.

4. Bragging Rights
Part of the joy of being on the cutting edge is telling anyone who will listen that you have the hottest thing around. You can choose to alienate or not from there, the choice is yours.

5. Downloads!
Without ever having to insert a disc of any kind there are several free demos, videos, and trailers just waiting to suck up your time, but be careful, those big demos can eat up the twenty gigs in the hard drive quicker than you might think.

Cons:
1. Controller Eats Batteries
I bought my Wavebird well over a year ago and I have never had to change the batteries. Just two weeks into my 360 experience I had to buy the Plug and Play kit or face the option of going back to the Game Boy days when all my money went towards the purchase of more AAs.

2. Additional Purchase for File Sharing
Being able to share files between my computer and 360 was a big draw, and then I found out that Microsoft wants even more dough for the pleasure, no thanks.

3. Having To Buy On Ebay In The First Place
It’s admirable trying to make sure that the Japanese don’t feel left out by the 360, but judging by all the units sitting on their shelves they wouldn’t have minded waiting another month. Meanwhile people are being robbed at gunpoint and scammed on Ebay over here because of the shortages.

4. No Wow! Launch Game
The big guns like Kameo and PDZ were disappointing, and nothing really had that wow! Quality that defines a great launch. Then again, PS2 didn’t have one either.

5. So many Purchasables
Just browsing through the Live marketplace and looking at all the 360 accessories conjures up an image of a vast Microsoft conspiracy to siphon off our money with twenty dollars at a time. It scares me in ways I can’t describe.

For new releases, things are finally picking up again; we have the sequel to the game that marketing sold, State of Emergency 2. Plus Age of Empires DS where you can touch little people and further the obsolescence of PC gaming.

I’d make a joke about Mark Ecko’s Getting Up, but that would be too easy.

In news this week, we have a promise straight from the jackass’ mouth that 360 shortages will be a thing of the past in a few weeks. Peter Moore says that the Ebay Frenzy will be ending soon, which is sad news for everyone who bought it at retail price and had spent the last few months laughing at the ridiculous prices people were willing to pay. Good times.

Also, we learned that the Nintendo Revolution will be playable on the floor at this year’s E3. That means it’s time to start your betting pools on how many controllers will be stolen/thrown/used as a weapon/shoved in unsanitary places. My guess, 68.

That’s the Weekly Gamage, come back next week when I grab the gaming news, wrestle it to the ground and make it my bitch.

By Zack Rovinsky

The Weekly Gamage: Full Circle

Well, after all the insults, the jokes, and the whining about the price I finally got a Xbox 360 this week, and face it you would too if your parents were footing the bill. But what surprises me beyond my success in convincing my parents that a 360 is a job tool (which it is for lucky for game journalist me!) it’s that I got a console this early in its life cycle.

As for my opinion of the system itself, give me a few weeks it’ll take that long for my awe and happiness with the newbie on top of my TV to recede to its permanent level

All these thoughts about getting a fairly young console got me thinking about a console’s life cycle. It came to me during one of my math-induced naps while studying circles. A console’s life cycle can be divided like parts of a circle where 360ο equals an entire life from speculation to the launch of it’s successor, let’s have a look.

(You kind of have to visualize the circle)

1. Speculation 0ο to 30ο
This is where codenames are imagined, wish lists put together, and numbers are added to the names of previous hit games to create inevitable sequels. Also, a good time for photoshoppers to test their skills of deception on a news-hungry public. If anyone says they have actual information at this point, they’re lying.

2. Reveal and subsequent drooling/scoffing 31ο to 50ο
We finally get our first look at the new system and, depending on your personal fanboyism you either welcome it into your family like a new baby, or attack it mercilessly like a dingo trying to eat said baby. If you’re looking for anyone in the media to be objective about the system’s strengths and weaknesses, forget it. The PS3 vs. 360 battle has shown us that not even the straightforward numbers are decisive.

3. Cover stories and game previews 51ο to 80ο
It’s time for the hype machine to kick into gear. For the few months leading up to launch every magazine cover story will be devoted to the console and it’s launch games, whether or not it deserves it. Thus is the nature of hype.

4. Launch And Complaints/Euphoria 81ο to 100ο
The launch is here, people are getting hypothermia trying to get one, and contests are being formulated with the console as the prize. Once again who likes it and who hates it is determined by a simple formula. Those who have one love it. Those who don’t will cite any perceived flaw or other reason but their own poor financial status as reasons they don’t have one yet.

5. Ebay Frenzy 101ο to 150ο
While about half a console’s initial supply will go to people who actually want to play it. The other half will go to the villainous enterprising people selling on Ebay. As hard as you may try to convince yourself otherwise, if you buy on Ebay, you’re getting ripped off.

6. Steady Supply 151ο to 200ο
After a year or so a console’s supply levels out and there are no more shortages to be reckoned with. Also around this time designers get comfortable with the system and stop trying to do anything unique with it. Think of it as a console hitting thirty.

7. Mid Life Crisis 201ο to 220ο
A little unoriginality is ok as supply gets steady, but once everyone has one and has played through all they missed disappointment sets in, so it’s time for a console to be…

8. Born Again 221ο to 250ο
Here’s where a system finds it’s purpose and comes out with a big online game or introduces a successful series that will define the system for the rest of it’s life. Also a good place for an already successful series to come out with an innovative departure/softcore porn experimental game.

9. Graceful Aging 251ο to 300ο
Here’s where a console has settled into a groove. It knows what it is and can crank out respectfully successful sequels with the occasional original game. Also, by this time programming for the system is so simple and well-documented that the monkeys who make movie games can grunt out a steady supply of mediocrity.

10. Late Life Masterpiece 301ο to 320ο
A company has been fiddling with the system for years and, having unlocked all it’s secrets, can unveil their console masterpiece. This one is nearly always a GOTY since by now no more than one console reaches this point at the same time.

11. Successor Unveiling and Release 321ο to 340ο
Things are starting to slow down as developers turn, however prematurely, to the future. All attention has turned to the successor and everyone forgets that there are still games coming out for the oldie Note: the first E3 in this phase is always pretty depressing.

12. Into The Sunset 341ο to 360ο
Development for the console is wrapping up and companies are throwing their weight behind the new guy. It’s time to look back and talk legacies in broad terms that are impossible to prove but great for arguments. If a console’s lucky it will have a popular game of its transfer well to its backwards-compatible successor. If unlucky, it will be bombarded by a stream of useless cash-ins until it prays for sweet release.

In News This week we may say goodbye to one of the best parts of E3, the booth babes. In an ambiguously worded portion of the E3 exhibitor’s guide me were informed that E3 would be both more girlfriend-friendly, and less fun. Well, we’ll always have the Frag Dolls.

Also, this week, Nintendo unveiled their rumored DS redesign that mainly features a smaller shape and creamy, and oh so lickable white color. While they have named it the DS Lite there’s some room for improvement in the name. I’m thinking Diet DS, DS Anorexic, or Kate Moss after a 5-day coke binge DS. The marketing campaign practically writes itself.

Also, a rash of cheap mock-ups that probably aren’t within a mile of the real thing emerged for Nintendo’s Virtual Console interface. Be prepared for many more months of this crap, sigh.

Looking at new releases, we’ve got Curious George and Dora The Explorer, who, because of what’s actually come out so far this year, are sure to be really early GOTY candidates. Shoot me now.

That’s the Weekly Gamage, come back next week when I grab the gaming news, wrestle it to the ground and make it my bitch.

By Zack Rovinsky

The Weekly Gamage: Gamage Awards 2005

Sorry about the week off. A variety of factors ranging from being away from my computer to the horrendous newspaper deadline at school to my own unrepentant laziness kept me from finishing off this three-week old idea until today. Anyway.

It’s that time of year when various game sites, under the guise of waiting for user voting results, come in late with the same games of the year that everybody else picked. I don’t even know what’s going on with this site or 1up. Anyhoo I decided to do my own awards and not the boring what-game-I-thought-kicked-the-most-ass kind of awards, this is a news column (yes, a news column) and these awards are intended to recognize the newsmakers which made my podunk little life a little more interesting this past year. It’s the 1st annual Gamage Awards.

(This is where I’d put a theme song if I had one)

Hot CoffeeTM Shitstorm of the Year Award-Hot Coffee
This is an inaugural award because gaming hasn’t faced this kind of media blowup in years. Plus, like any good shitstorm, the rush of action that came afterwards had little or no lasting effect. Since I, and any idiot with a keyboard, have already weighed in on this whole ruckus, there’s no need to reiterate. Let’s just look back fondly and say, “It was a hell of a ride”.

Beyond Good and Evil Best Game Nobody Played Award-Project Snowblind
Every year has it’s overlooked game that’s not good enough to be an inside GOTY choice and not bad enough for bargain bin fate it suffered. Snowblind was a smart shooter that gave players a ton of tools and weapons and let them figure out what to do with them in each situation. I like a game that respects my intelligence that way. So what if the goofy Million-Dollar Man goes to war-torn futuristic China was stupid, you can’t have it all. BTW, to inject even more fun shout “Go-Go Gadget ________” whenever you use any of the cool devices the game offers. Never gets old.

Enter the Matrix Worst Game Everybody Played Award-Delta Force Black Hawk Down
That this game which looks and plays like it’s four years old isn’t on more worst games lists is a testament to the power of 50-player online matches, or sheer stupidity. I’m still trying to figure that one out.

Leeroy Jenkins WTF Online Moment-Chocolate Milk Kid
While Leeroy was hilarious, I also learned that he was a stunt so that means he can’t win his award. I chose instead the little kid who harassed his extraordinarily patient mother for more than three minutes while playing Rainbow Six. But really, don’t we all want chocolate milk.

Group X Inexplicably Popular Award-Faceplates
It’s amazing what people will pay for a pretty hunk of plastic. Before it was just a few dollars for cell phone plates but Microsoft appears to have found a new limit with people paying $20 to customize their 360s. God help us all.

Office Space Buzzword Of The Year-Launch Window
What happens when a big game (in this case DOA4) that’s integral to a system’s launch isn’t ready in time? Why, the company states that it will hit the “launch window” to confuse consumers out of delaying the feeding frenzy that is a system’s launch. This tactic worked reasonably well considering that some of the “launch window” games soared gracefully through that window like doves from heaven (Call of Duty 2), whereas others slammed into it like blinded pigeons (THAW).

Pwning of The Year-Penny Arcade Pwns Jack Thompson
Now I love a good pwning as much as the next gamer, just look at my avatar, but while some are shout-worthy, and some are fist-pumpers, what Gabe and Tycho from Penny Arcade bordered on magical. You all know the story so I won’t repeat it, just remember this: money talks, bullshit walks.

PS2 Hard Drive Ourbad Move of the Year Award-Nintendo Finally Goes Online
Now game companies may screw up when backing the wrong trends, and usually we can forgive them. Nintendo has had its fair share of these oopsies (remember connectivity?) but at least they’re smart enough to know when they’ve dropped a big one. Now that they have reconciled their past online mistakes with Mario Kart DS we can forgive them.

Nemesis Ugliest Creature Memorial Award-Ramon Salazar
Now, this little Napoleon wannabe was ugly to start with, but transforming into a huge, slimy monster with tentacles and a big, crusty eye? That took him into Jacko territory. And, for those of you who haven’t played Resident Evil 4, shame.

Johnny Tightlips Biggest Secret Award-Revolution Controller
While all those beloved big-mouthed developers are normally funny, watching them try desperately to give a quote while not violating their non-disclosure agreements is freakin’ hilarious. Earlier this year the likes of Peter Molyneux and others gave us some of these moments when trying to describe the Revolution controller. They were almost as good as the reveal itself.

DOA Biggest Boobs Award-360 Core System Buyers
While I like to consider myself a connoisseur of jiggling virtual jubblies, that’s just not what this award is about so put it away. This is a news award and by far the biggest bunch of retards/poor desperate people has to be those who bought a 360 core package. Desperate to get one or not, you’re still consumer whores.

Tomb Raider Franchise Going Down The Crapper Award-Tony Hawk
Miss Croft has taught us a valuable lesson about not buying the same game over and over again and now we must show what we’ve learned. Face it people, a fresh coat of paint on an old junker isn’t going to change what’s on the inside. If the game’s half-assed no load times idea didn’t tip you off to a lack of original thinking at Neversoft, the half-assed 360 port should have.

Doom Video Game Movie Most Likely To Suck Award-Bloodrayne
Let’s face it; if the vampire girl’s tits were the only draw of the game, the movie’s not going to be any different.

Rodney Dangerfield Guy Not Getting Enough Respect Award- Dan “Shoe” Hsu
There is no better time to find the balls of the entire game journalism industry than just before an interview with the BS-spewing Peter Moore. Sure, Moore still ended up spewing BS but Shoe asked some tough questions, and I salute him for it.

Dreamcast Gone But Not Forgotten Award-Game Boy Advance
It’s time to come to terms with it; we saw a platform die this year. With even non-innovative game development switching to the DS it’s time to say goodbye to the little dark-screened portable that could.

Year Of The______ Award-2005 Year of The Racer
It’s human nature to want to sum up something as complicated as an entire year in gaming in a compact, and satisfying platitude. That’s why I declare 2005 the year of the racer. We saw good racing game after decent racing game after good racing game with the likes of GT4, Forza, Enthusia (horrific soundtrack and general not good enough-ness aside), NFS Most Wanted, Juiced, Jak X, and Mario Kart DS. Many of which took a genre tailor made for online play to that promised land. So, if you want to add a semblance of depth to your gaming rants, call 2005 the year of the racer, and pretend you thought it up, I’ll understand.

In term’s of new releases 25 To Life seems to have a lot going for it to take over for Manhunt as the new game everybody hates but politicians go after anyway.

Also out in the last couple of weeks is EA’s shameless moving of their MVP name to the sport that only gets interesting in the playoffs- college baseball. The game may be ok but it just looks to me like a eunuch trying desperately to get a boner.

After those releases, things slow down a bit until February but we get to kick off the shortest month with yet another example of EA overcompensating: Arena Football

Looking at the news, we found out just what happens when players get creative with the stylus in Resident Evil DS. If you touch Jill Valentine’s chestral area she covers up in shame and if you touch Chris Redfield’s butt he swats you away. While these actions cause no drop in health, the characters probably die a little on the inside.

In other news, Virtua Fighter 5 was confirmed for the PS3, bringing joy to…well, me at least.

Finally, EA has slashed prices on new copies of their current-gen games such as Madden 06, NBA Live 06 and Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire. Apparently they think they’re still competing with someone.

That’s the Weekly Gamage, come back next week when I grab the gaming news, wrestle it to the ground and make

By Zack Rovinsky

The Weekly Gamage: Waiting

While looking at the upcoming releases list in my usual OCD way, I noticed that one game I thought might never come out is actually slated for a February release, Starcraft Ghost. All they had to do was cut the Gamecube version. I suppose it’s for the better as Nintendo may have tried to swap the game’s Sam-Fisher-with-a-better-ass protagonist’s skin-tight body suit for something less…oh let’s say hot.

It got me to thinking about all the games who have faced these sort of massive delays and how they torture us with teaser dates, feature cuttings, and the designers’ snappy “It’ll be ready when it’s ready” attitude. These delayed games generally fit into categories based on how they go about being delayed and how they turn out.

The long delayed games generally fall into seven categories of useless information:

1. Long Delay, Big Payoff
The most typical of the long delays leads to a game that’s great at best and decent at worst. If those lazy programmers can tease us with something that comes out good then we can forgive them.
Example: Gran Turismo 4

2. Letdowns
While we can forgive a long development schedule for a good game we can also castrate designers who take years on a crappy game. Plus the reviews are always worse for these disappointments than for regular crappy games. P.S.: check out the 7 Deadly Sins in Weekly Gamage 1 for examples of how to salt these wounds.
Example: Daikatana

3. Console Hoppers
Sometimes a development schedule stretches so long that the game is forced to switch generations to keep up. This gets even worse when the game changes console companies in a new generation. That’s the kind of crap that turns harmlessly stupid fanboys into vicious virus-sending fanboys.
Example: Kameo: Elements of Power

4. Vaporware
Suuure it’s coming out eventually. No, I believe you, now can I get a hit or what? These things have hopped so many consoles, game engines, and years that they don’t seem real anymore, and they’re probably not. You can usually spot what’s going to end this way because it sounds too good to be true. Also, feel free to make jokes about the designers being on hallucinogenic drugs, I just did.
Example: Duke Nukem Forever

5. Codenames
These games aren’t so much any actual project and more a philosophy for the next game in a major series. Since there is no actual information from the developers rumors will stick to this thing like flypaper and
Example: Mario 128

6. Canceled
Some games just don’t have the kind of broad appeal the squares at various publishers want and subsequently get cancelled in favor of some crappy movie game, never to be seen again, unless they become…
Example: Sam and Max: Freelance Police

7. The Reborn
If a concept is just too good to let go it can be reborn in a few ways. Either the developer plugs along without a publisher, the publisher comes to their senses, or the project is picked up by another development house. Either way, this is usually great for the gamer, as these games are great, if a little out of the mainstream.
Example: Psychonauts

Looking at the new releases we’re actually going to have some new games this week. Most notably: Electroplankton, which isn’t really a game at all. It’ll be another week until we have any good games, though.

The more interesting release this week is an accessory: a fan stand for the Xbox 360. This means that your 360 will remain refreshingly cool even when the power supply is on fire.

In the news this week, Nintendo has refuted the rumor that Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess would be able to use some of the Revolution controller’s capabilities. This just goes to show we’ve been too conditioned from months of real Revolution news straight from the horse’s mouth. You’ve got to remember the old days when news reporters (myself included) would print any wild rumor or crappy photoshopping they could find.

Also, Nintendo, for some reason, gave National Geographic Kids more information than any actual game news source (like the highly deserving go-getters at Club Skill). Anyway NGK said that the Revolution will be out “later this year,” and that favorites such as Super Smash Brothers, Donkey Konga, and The Legend of Zelda will have capabilities related to the Revolution controller. Whether this refers to franchises of specific games is unknown and NGK apparently didn’t think to ask. Draw your own conclusions.

Lastly, CES brought the usual batch of gadgets ranging from completely useless to been-there-done-that. 3D game glasses, new dance pads, and a two-piece PS2 controller that barely works. Technology on the march people.

That’s the Weekly Gamage, come back next week when I grab the gaming news, wrestle it to the ground and make it my bitch.

By Zack Rovinsky

The Weekly Gamage: The Pilgrimige

I should have seen it coming, looking back now. The Swedish furniture, the Swedish friend, the Swedish car. It was only a matter of time before I was drawn into a pilgrimage to the great bastion of Swedishness, IKEA.

After a few days of planning, my mom and I packed up the Volvo and set out for the IKEA outside Chicago. The place we arrived at was a self supporting organism maintained by the bargain crazy Midwesterners it draws in and the staff of Latinos and Americans who are paid minimum wage and don’t know what any of the product names mean.

At first I did my best to stay away, even resorting to watching Good Burger alone in the hotel room. I looked outside and saw the big blue building and an empty hotel parking lot. I soon realized the grim truth that I was alone in a hotel whose sole purpose was to house IKEA shoppers.

I finally caved and decided to experience the store firsthand. I sat on the flimsy furniture. I looked for a new couch. I ate the meatballs. I was Swedish for a day.

After my trek through the store my mom and I loaded up the car to the extent that the rear-view mirror was rendered useless, and headed home for an eight-hour ride in blinding snow (but that’s another story).

The whole IKEA experience taught me a lot about the mysterious Swedes and their habits. What’s now ingrained in my head is a mix of fact, innuendo, and racial slurs I will detail in this week’s useless information.

1. The Swedes are neat.
Despite the rush of people that come in each day for inexpensive house wares the store maintains neatness unlike any other warehouse store through what I can only assume is the power of Swedishness. Every individual toy snake in the pile seems well placed; the bathroom sets begging for a vandalizing stay unsoiled and in place, even the fireproofing looks even and clean on the exposed rafters.

2. The Swedes think in fives
Nearly every price and quantity was a multiple of five even the meatballs were sold in fives. Whereas Americans have a tendency to think in sixes (think about it). And those, like me, who wanted a dozen meatballs, were left wanting with ten.

3. The Swedes are innovative, to a fault.
I saw more ingeniously useless crap in that one place than anywhere else. There were inflatable chairs that were impossible to sit on. A seat made of bungees that launched anyone who tried to sit in it. Beds so low to the ground they might as well be just a mattress. And more wicker baskets than anyone would ever need.

4. Everyone always wants more Swedish meatballs.
You may think you can resist but no one can. Like Jell-O shots, Funyans, and Russian girls, you can’t have just one, or even just ten. That’s why there is a 2.5-pound bag of Swedish meatballs sitting in my freezer.

5. The Swedes think small
Not only with the products and prices but also with the discounts. A 1% discount was advertised like it was something special. As for the prices they really as small as people say and have been known to drive normally logical people (like my mom) mad with bargain lust. These too-good-to-be-true prices are achieved through what I can only assume is the power of Swedishness, or sweatshop labor.

After all my “research”(a combination of walking around and exploring racial stereotypes) I came to this final definite conclusion:

6. The Swedes are a race of ingenious children
Really from all the innovative and ultimately useless designs to the cafeteria where grown adults are forced to buss their own tables the only logical. Even their taste in music is poppy and childlike (ABBA). One day I hope to test and prove this theory by actually visiting Sweden.

Looking ahead to the new releases it’s all about anticipation. A strategy guide for 25 to Life means the slow start is starting. Next week will finally bring some sizable releases and, with so many good games having joined the delayed-until-next-year club, the early rush will start in February this year.

Looking at the news, it’s all Nintendo. Iwata spilled the non-specific beans on the Revolution’s price stating that it will cost less than the 360 core package. Nintendo seems to be trying to buck the trend of rising prices but I still maintain that we will be paying for future games with portions of our souls.

In other Big N news, the revolution design has apparently been finalized and is in production for a May 2006 launch. I’m anticipating something like the Saturn launch but much better planned. Reggie will stride to the podium at E3 and announce that Revolutions are on their way to stores as he speaks. Then he’ll run around the stage, flip off Howard Stringer, and spike his DS.

Also, Nintendo has acquired the rights to the name ”Nintendo Floor Vision” possibly anticipating that Nintendo fanboys, floored by the Revolution, will need a mat to fall on.

That’s the Weekly Gamage, come back next week when I grab the gaming news, wrestle it to the ground and make it my bitch.

By Zack Rovinsky

The Weekly Gamage: Farewell, Old Friend

Please excuse me if I’m not my cheery self, but this week I suffered the greatest loss a gamer can suffer. I lost my couch.

I came home from school and the living room looked bare, stripped of its primary functional element. I now sit on the floor, left to plant my tush on the memories. I can remember it like I only saw it yesterday, ‘cause I did. The grayish tan of upholstery that may have once been white. The rip in the arm that got bigger every time I sat down. The numerous food stains that so covered the cushions that I could no longer cover them and instead had to pick the better side. I may see it, when I visit up north, but it’ll never be the same. I can barely recognize it under the slipcover. Truly the end of an era.

Maybe now I can get something in leather.

Anyway, in my grand, three-week-old tradition of providing useless information with my column here are the top ten losses a gamer will ever have to bear.

10. Pee Bottle
Don’t you dare act like you’ve never done this. If nature calls during a marathon gaming session there is simply no time to get up and go to the loo so use a convenient bottle. I still have mine from when I broke my ankle two summers ago.

9. Microwave
If you need food of only slightly questionable quality fast, than just pop whatever in and watch it spin around until it goes ding. It can’t be any worse for your brain than all that crap you’ve been playing. My personal favorite microwave food: Potstickers try it.

8. Refrigerator
What’s a microwave without anything to put in it? Gamers would starve without the magical cold box that’s miraculously refilled by those people who keep yelling at you to get a job.

7. Remote Control
What happens when you pass out playing Mario Kart and wake up to find out that oh, lets say The View is on? In the old days you would die of exposure before making it to the TV. Now you can just zap the demons to oblivion and go on chucking green shells. Now, where the hell is that thing?

6. Cell Phone
Who wants to schlep to their local game store just to find that there are no copies of Project Snowblind or the price of Super Smash Brothers Melee is still too much? Just make a call and still pay through the nose. Behold the power of technology.

5. TV
What’s a game without a big glowing screen to play it on? Can also provide between game breaks that I’m sure have saved many a life. I’ll gladly stop shooting stuff to watch The Office.

4. Portable
How can we game when away from our precious home setup? Why with any of the number of portable game systems available. From the taco-phone known as the N-Gage, to the slowly and painfully dying GBA, or even the good ones like DS and PSP there are plenty of choices. You can’t put a price on never having to wait patiently.

3. Console
Everything up till now is pretty much optional but the very definition of a gamer lies within a console. Whatever system you may own and whatever games you may play, you can’t spell gaming without gaming console.

2. PC
It’s one thing to have a PC for games, but this machine does so much more. How else could gamers express opinions no one cares about, spout nonsense about how their system is better than the others, or even write a column that nobody reads? Only with a PC my friend.

1. Couch
Everything on the list to this point has been pretty much replaceable but what on this list absorbs more of the users personality than the sofa. Look inside your couch and you’ll find more than just assorted fluff and enough trapped methane to gas a small Kurdish village, you’ll find a little bit of you, and if you’re lucky a quarter.

Looking ahead to the barren wasteland of new releases it’s all DOA 4, that is if it doesn’t get delayed again. Microsoft is, as promised, hitting their launch window, like a bird. If you have to return a crappy game, oh let’s say Mario Party 7, go for Harold and Kumar for your PSP so you can watch a stoner adventure while on your own stoner adventure, ah technology.

Anyhoo, looking at the news from this week. Jack Thompson took another step towards being more caricature than man when he bought stock in GTA publisher Take Two who he has constantly ripped for various things I don’t have the time or energy to get into. I personally subscribe to the Penny Arcade theory that the major videogame opponent role must be filled and it may as well be someone as ineffective as Thompson. Rather than get angry I suggest you sit back and enjoy the ride, he can do no real harm.

Some more Revolution news emerged to sweeten an already sweet pot proffered by the Big N. The possibility of the back library of Sega titles joining the Nintendo ones makes the Revolution an even better deal. Now we just need a reasonable price for the system and download service and my preorder is sealed.

And finally, the Sims got their own French postage stamp to honor being one of the top forms of entertainment in the country. This proves, once again, that the French love to maintain their trediness by commemorating anything they think is trendy.

That’s the Weekly Gamage, come back next week when I grab the gaming news, wrestle it to the ground and make it my bitch.

By Zack Rovinsky