The Weekly Gamage: Gamage Awards 2005

Sorry about the week off. A variety of factors ranging from being away from my computer to the horrendous newspaper deadline at school to my own unrepentant laziness kept me from finishing off this three-week old idea until today. Anyway.

It’s that time of year when various game sites, under the guise of waiting for user voting results, come in late with the same games of the year that everybody else picked. I don’t even know what’s going on with this site or 1up. Anyhoo I decided to do my own awards and not the boring what-game-I-thought-kicked-the-most-ass kind of awards, this is a news column (yes, a news column) and these awards are intended to recognize the newsmakers which made my podunk little life a little more interesting this past year. It’s the 1st annual Gamage Awards.

(This is where I’d put a theme song if I had one)

Hot CoffeeTM Shitstorm of the Year Award-Hot Coffee
This is an inaugural award because gaming hasn’t faced this kind of media blowup in years. Plus, like any good shitstorm, the rush of action that came afterwards had little or no lasting effect. Since I, and any idiot with a keyboard, have already weighed in on this whole ruckus, there’s no need to reiterate. Let’s just look back fondly and say, “It was a hell of a ride”.

Beyond Good and Evil Best Game Nobody Played Award-Project Snowblind
Every year has it’s overlooked game that’s not good enough to be an inside GOTY choice and not bad enough for bargain bin fate it suffered. Snowblind was a smart shooter that gave players a ton of tools and weapons and let them figure out what to do with them in each situation. I like a game that respects my intelligence that way. So what if the goofy Million-Dollar Man goes to war-torn futuristic China was stupid, you can’t have it all. BTW, to inject even more fun shout “Go-Go Gadget ________” whenever you use any of the cool devices the game offers. Never gets old.

Enter the Matrix Worst Game Everybody Played Award-Delta Force Black Hawk Down
That this game which looks and plays like it’s four years old isn’t on more worst games lists is a testament to the power of 50-player online matches, or sheer stupidity. I’m still trying to figure that one out.

Leeroy Jenkins WTF Online Moment-Chocolate Milk Kid
While Leeroy was hilarious, I also learned that he was a stunt so that means he can’t win his award. I chose instead the little kid who harassed his extraordinarily patient mother for more than three minutes while playing Rainbow Six. But really, don’t we all want chocolate milk.

Group X Inexplicably Popular Award-Faceplates
It’s amazing what people will pay for a pretty hunk of plastic. Before it was just a few dollars for cell phone plates but Microsoft appears to have found a new limit with people paying $20 to customize their 360s. God help us all.

Office Space Buzzword Of The Year-Launch Window
What happens when a big game (in this case DOA4) that’s integral to a system’s launch isn’t ready in time? Why, the company states that it will hit the “launch window” to confuse consumers out of delaying the feeding frenzy that is a system’s launch. This tactic worked reasonably well considering that some of the “launch window” games soared gracefully through that window like doves from heaven (Call of Duty 2), whereas others slammed into it like blinded pigeons (THAW).

Pwning of The Year-Penny Arcade Pwns Jack Thompson
Now I love a good pwning as much as the next gamer, just look at my avatar, but while some are shout-worthy, and some are fist-pumpers, what Gabe and Tycho from Penny Arcade bordered on magical. You all know the story so I won’t repeat it, just remember this: money talks, bullshit walks.

PS2 Hard Drive Ourbad Move of the Year Award-Nintendo Finally Goes Online
Now game companies may screw up when backing the wrong trends, and usually we can forgive them. Nintendo has had its fair share of these oopsies (remember connectivity?) but at least they’re smart enough to know when they’ve dropped a big one. Now that they have reconciled their past online mistakes with Mario Kart DS we can forgive them.

Nemesis Ugliest Creature Memorial Award-Ramon Salazar
Now, this little Napoleon wannabe was ugly to start with, but transforming into a huge, slimy monster with tentacles and a big, crusty eye? That took him into Jacko territory. And, for those of you who haven’t played Resident Evil 4, shame.

Johnny Tightlips Biggest Secret Award-Revolution Controller
While all those beloved big-mouthed developers are normally funny, watching them try desperately to give a quote while not violating their non-disclosure agreements is freakin’ hilarious. Earlier this year the likes of Peter Molyneux and others gave us some of these moments when trying to describe the Revolution controller. They were almost as good as the reveal itself.

DOA Biggest Boobs Award-360 Core System Buyers
While I like to consider myself a connoisseur of jiggling virtual jubblies, that’s just not what this award is about so put it away. This is a news award and by far the biggest bunch of retards/poor desperate people has to be those who bought a 360 core package. Desperate to get one or not, you’re still consumer whores.

Tomb Raider Franchise Going Down The Crapper Award-Tony Hawk
Miss Croft has taught us a valuable lesson about not buying the same game over and over again and now we must show what we’ve learned. Face it people, a fresh coat of paint on an old junker isn’t going to change what’s on the inside. If the game’s half-assed no load times idea didn’t tip you off to a lack of original thinking at Neversoft, the half-assed 360 port should have.

Doom Video Game Movie Most Likely To Suck Award-Bloodrayne
Let’s face it; if the vampire girl’s tits were the only draw of the game, the movie’s not going to be any different.

Rodney Dangerfield Guy Not Getting Enough Respect Award- Dan “Shoe” Hsu
There is no better time to find the balls of the entire game journalism industry than just before an interview with the BS-spewing Peter Moore. Sure, Moore still ended up spewing BS but Shoe asked some tough questions, and I salute him for it.

Dreamcast Gone But Not Forgotten Award-Game Boy Advance
It’s time to come to terms with it; we saw a platform die this year. With even non-innovative game development switching to the DS it’s time to say goodbye to the little dark-screened portable that could.

Year Of The______ Award-2005 Year of The Racer
It’s human nature to want to sum up something as complicated as an entire year in gaming in a compact, and satisfying platitude. That’s why I declare 2005 the year of the racer. We saw good racing game after decent racing game after good racing game with the likes of GT4, Forza, Enthusia (horrific soundtrack and general not good enough-ness aside), NFS Most Wanted, Juiced, Jak X, and Mario Kart DS. Many of which took a genre tailor made for online play to that promised land. So, if you want to add a semblance of depth to your gaming rants, call 2005 the year of the racer, and pretend you thought it up, I’ll understand.

In term’s of new releases 25 To Life seems to have a lot going for it to take over for Manhunt as the new game everybody hates but politicians go after anyway.

Also out in the last couple of weeks is EA’s shameless moving of their MVP name to the sport that only gets interesting in the playoffs- college baseball. The game may be ok but it just looks to me like a eunuch trying desperately to get a boner.

After those releases, things slow down a bit until February but we get to kick off the shortest month with yet another example of EA overcompensating: Arena Football

Looking at the news, we found out just what happens when players get creative with the stylus in Resident Evil DS. If you touch Jill Valentine’s chestral area she covers up in shame and if you touch Chris Redfield’s butt he swats you away. While these actions cause no drop in health, the characters probably die a little on the inside.

In other news, Virtua Fighter 5 was confirmed for the PS3, bringing joy to…well, me at least.

Finally, EA has slashed prices on new copies of their current-gen games such as Madden 06, NBA Live 06 and Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire. Apparently they think they’re still competing with someone.

That’s the Weekly Gamage, come back next week when I grab the gaming news, wrestle it to the ground and make

By Zack Rovinsky