The Weekly Gamage: The Pilgrimige

I should have seen it coming, looking back now. The Swedish furniture, the Swedish friend, the Swedish car. It was only a matter of time before I was drawn into a pilgrimage to the great bastion of Swedishness, IKEA.

After a few days of planning, my mom and I packed up the Volvo and set out for the IKEA outside Chicago. The place we arrived at was a self supporting organism maintained by the bargain crazy Midwesterners it draws in and the staff of Latinos and Americans who are paid minimum wage and don’t know what any of the product names mean.

At first I did my best to stay away, even resorting to watching Good Burger alone in the hotel room. I looked outside and saw the big blue building and an empty hotel parking lot. I soon realized the grim truth that I was alone in a hotel whose sole purpose was to house IKEA shoppers.

I finally caved and decided to experience the store firsthand. I sat on the flimsy furniture. I looked for a new couch. I ate the meatballs. I was Swedish for a day.

After my trek through the store my mom and I loaded up the car to the extent that the rear-view mirror was rendered useless, and headed home for an eight-hour ride in blinding snow (but that’s another story).

The whole IKEA experience taught me a lot about the mysterious Swedes and their habits. What’s now ingrained in my head is a mix of fact, innuendo, and racial slurs I will detail in this week’s useless information.

1. The Swedes are neat.
Despite the rush of people that come in each day for inexpensive house wares the store maintains neatness unlike any other warehouse store through what I can only assume is the power of Swedishness. Every individual toy snake in the pile seems well placed; the bathroom sets begging for a vandalizing stay unsoiled and in place, even the fireproofing looks even and clean on the exposed rafters.

2. The Swedes think in fives
Nearly every price and quantity was a multiple of five even the meatballs were sold in fives. Whereas Americans have a tendency to think in sixes (think about it). And those, like me, who wanted a dozen meatballs, were left wanting with ten.

3. The Swedes are innovative, to a fault.
I saw more ingeniously useless crap in that one place than anywhere else. There were inflatable chairs that were impossible to sit on. A seat made of bungees that launched anyone who tried to sit in it. Beds so low to the ground they might as well be just a mattress. And more wicker baskets than anyone would ever need.

4. Everyone always wants more Swedish meatballs.
You may think you can resist but no one can. Like Jell-O shots, Funyans, and Russian girls, you can’t have just one, or even just ten. That’s why there is a 2.5-pound bag of Swedish meatballs sitting in my freezer.

5. The Swedes think small
Not only with the products and prices but also with the discounts. A 1% discount was advertised like it was something special. As for the prices they really as small as people say and have been known to drive normally logical people (like my mom) mad with bargain lust. These too-good-to-be-true prices are achieved through what I can only assume is the power of Swedishness, or sweatshop labor.

After all my “research”(a combination of walking around and exploring racial stereotypes) I came to this final definite conclusion:

6. The Swedes are a race of ingenious children
Really from all the innovative and ultimately useless designs to the cafeteria where grown adults are forced to buss their own tables the only logical. Even their taste in music is poppy and childlike (ABBA). One day I hope to test and prove this theory by actually visiting Sweden.

Looking ahead to the new releases it’s all about anticipation. A strategy guide for 25 to Life means the slow start is starting. Next week will finally bring some sizable releases and, with so many good games having joined the delayed-until-next-year club, the early rush will start in February this year.

Looking at the news, it’s all Nintendo. Iwata spilled the non-specific beans on the Revolution’s price stating that it will cost less than the 360 core package. Nintendo seems to be trying to buck the trend of rising prices but I still maintain that we will be paying for future games with portions of our souls.

In other Big N news, the revolution design has apparently been finalized and is in production for a May 2006 launch. I’m anticipating something like the Saturn launch but much better planned. Reggie will stride to the podium at E3 and announce that Revolutions are on their way to stores as he speaks. Then he’ll run around the stage, flip off Howard Stringer, and spike his DS.

Also, Nintendo has acquired the rights to the name ”Nintendo Floor Vision” possibly anticipating that Nintendo fanboys, floored by the Revolution, will need a mat to fall on.

That’s the Weekly Gamage, come back next week when I grab the gaming news, wrestle it to the ground and make it my bitch.

By Zack Rovinsky