The Weekly Gamage: Forum Watching

In a world where stupid people are allowed to share their opinions online without fear of retribution, objective people like you (hopefully) and I (most of the time) often meet a lot of people we’d rather not deal with. Anyone who has browed a forum minimally can spot the common fanboy just like any idiot who has ever set foot outside can point out a pigeon.

We unveiled our Club Skill Forums this week, despite having them accessible for months, and you should know what people you may encounter there. As someone who has spent much time browsing various forums, I’m here to make an idiot spotting field guide so you know who to tangle with and what crazies to just leave alone like the homeless guy who wades into rush-hour traffic and drops his pants. Call me Zack Audubon (you may have to look that one up).

• The Nintendo Fanboy
Too often are fanboys lumped together but each is it’s own personality. The Nintendo Fanboy is one who lets his inner child roam, way too much, but that’s not the annoying part. Like a child the Nintendo Fanboy is overly sensitive to criticism and will lash out at detractors and other company’s games with childish insults. Just tell them you love Zelda and everything will be ok.
Tactics: Annoying But Harmless

• The Sony Fanboy
The Sony Fanboy tends to have a slightly unhealthy fixation with Japanese things, not to be confused with the Japanophile who takes it way too far. It’s just that they happen to think guys with white hair who wear trench coats, eat pizza, and spout ridiculous phrases about how rock n’ roll they are, are cool. Also tends to value quantity over quality. Is too busy with his bushel of new PS2 titles to actually do anything.
Tactics: You’ll Hardly Know He’s There

• The Microsoft Fanboy
Is the most frequent aggressor on forums, due to feelings of inadequacy, that’s why his console is so big and is packed with mature-rated games. Touts the online experience despite the presence of only handful of games people actually play online. Is always ready with a quick comeback, usually something about a person’s sexual orientation but, it’s not like years of games being called “Halo killers” haven’t made him jumpy. Also loves Rare for some ungodly reason.
Tactics: Avoid Unless Placated By Recent Halo/Star Wars Release

• Newshound
A forum dweller with above average grammatical skills that loves to deliver news to everyone out of some craving for recognition. I was actually one of these at GMR-Source, but had trouble being objective. That’s why this news column is so perfect; because I can skewer anyone I want. Lovin’ it.
Tactics: Just Don’t Ask About His Sources

• Graphics Whore
Numbers are god to this person and the pure numerical representation of graphical quality allows him to choose games without actually having to form an opinion on whether they are good or not. Do not even tempt this person to start chucking statistics at you.
Tactics: Do Not Engage

• Belligerent A-Hole
It doesn’t matter what his opinions are, what matters is if you agree with him. Has a Robespierre-like hate of dissent (yeah we’re studying the French Revolution in class, it’s on my mind). While he won’t send you to the guillotine, he will cuss you out with no thought of what innocent minds he may be warping. On the plus side, very easy to get banned.
Tactics: Only If You Have A Thick Skin

• Hater
Unlike the Belligerent A-Hole this guy hates you just because he can. There are just some people who get a sick pleasure from pissing people off. These are the same people who manifest themselves in online games as teamkillers then laugh when you call them names. I swear if Freud could spend just five minutes on Xbox Live, his head would explode.
Tactics: Just Get Him Banned Quickly

• Photo-Shopper
Years of digitally removing redeye and cold sores from the family Christmas photos have created a unique forum-dweller who will either use his powers for good or evil. The good photoshopper will offer to do sigs for everyone until all the requests burn him out and make him feel used, which he was. The evil photoshopper will spread fake screenshots and renders that the Newshounds will pounce on. Can only be vanquished with a virus.
Tactics Good: Milk Him While You Can
Tactics Evil: The Virus Thing

• Inappropriate Comment Guy
Possibly someone rebelling against yuppie parents, this person cusses like a sailor and is then surprised why anyone would find his words offensive. Kind of like my brother.
Tactics: A Clearly-Worded Warning With No Loopholes

• News Thief
Like a Newshound, but lazier, will just copy and paste news stories from other sites and pretend like they wrote it. Can cause trouble for a site unprepared with a form letter for such incidences.
Tactics: An Overwhelming Display Of Actual Journalism or, Make Him News Editor

• Split Personality
No one will comment on his posts anyway, so he makes up alternate selves to interact with. It’s not exactly his fault he’s uninteresting, but this sort of thing borders on crazy.
Tactics: A Tranquilizer Gun And A Straight Jacket

• Japanophile
Takes a liking for foreign culture a little too far. Claims something you’ve never heard of is better than Family Guy and compares himself to characters with goofy names and outfits. Would move to Japan if he could actually speak the language beyond some pop-culture terms and phrases. Doesn’t know what his real hair color is anymore.
Tactics: Try To Talk Him Into Dangerous Eye-Reshaping Surgery

• Part-Time Gangsta
Uses the Internet to cover up his obvious whiteness and broadcast his pitiful obsession with a culture he can never be a part of. Also, is driving the wave of crappy urban-themed games that just end up offending everybody else.
Tactics: Just Berate Him Until He Coughs Up Evidence Of His Whiteness

• Devil’s Advocate
Someone who actually likes baiting the fanboys and as a result, makes everyone else’s life miserable. The kind of person who likes Killzone, or at least says he does.
Tactics: A Fanboy He Pushed Too Far Will Eventually Bump Him Off For You

• Insider
A rare mythical beast that is willing to violate his NDA to bring the real news to the people. Will eventually be caught and gang raped by corporate lawyers, but their time spent on your forum will be a golden age, enjoy it.
Tactics: Just Bask In Warm Glow And Nod Every So Often

• “Insider”
Delivers their flaming dog poo news and disappears into the night to leave their bogus info to fester and grow like a tumor. With any luck the fake news will be easy to spot, like a tactically brain-dead price for an upcoming console.
Tactics: A Lynching Will Do Nicely

In news this week, In a shortsighted move to silence critics of the PSP’s being flooded with more movies than games, some key movie studios have said they will cut back on the number of movies released on UMD. While the PSP movie trend has allowed up to watch Harold and Kumar at White Castle, and American Wedding at a wedding, I can’t help but wonder what could have been with Brokeback Mountain.

Also, the new Official Nintendo Magazine came up with a juicy story about how the stand we haven’t seen the Revolution without will act as it’s power supply. While I haven’t liked the vertical setup since I dropped a CD into a computer at school, I suppose they don’t call it a Revolution for nothing (I have a feeling we’ll be saying that a lot).

Lastly, we’re one step closer to being able to spread pictures of our cats, rigs, and privates on Xbox Live. An unnamed developer has claimed to have seen, and been impressed by the Xbox 360’s camera. There is still doubt on whether or not the camera may make it to store shelves but, if it does, I volunteer my services for the Xbox Live Porn Patrol.

As for new releases, we’ll be able to touch our monkey balls with Super Monkey Ball Touch and Roll on the DS, and watch compelled geeks trudge to the store and fulfill their duty to buy the new EQ expansion pack.

Also, Super Princess Peach looks to bring some old-school Mario-style platforming to the DS, just don’t get caught playing it in public.

Finally, I get to fulfill my dream of jerking off to a Heckler and Koch MP5 with Criterion’s “gun porn” Black.

That’s the Weekly Gamage, come back next week when I grab the gaming news, wrestle it to the ground and make it my bitch.

By Zack Rovinsky